


Clothing Optional

by PyromanicSchizophrenic



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: 5+1 Things, Gen, i firmly believe many of these happened, overuse of the word "dick"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-11-06 01:18:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11025567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PyromanicSchizophrenic/pseuds/PyromanicSchizophrenic
Summary: Brendon Urie hates pants.A 5+1.





	Clothing Optional

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I wrote 3,000 words about Brendon's dick. No, it's not that weird.
> 
> I firmly believe at least three of these six instances happened in real life. I will not be convinced otherwise.

**1.**

The first time Ryan sees Brendon’s dick, he screams.

It’s not that Ryan’s never seen another dude’s dick before, okay, he and Spencer gave up on not changing in front of each other when they were fourteen and besides, he went to public school. He’s seen other dudes’ dicks plenty of times. That doesn’t mean he enjoys other dudes’ dicks. And he certainly doesn’t want to see Brendon’s dick, and he especially doesn’t want to see it this early in the morning.

They’re in Maryland, sharing a shitty apartment while they record their first _album,_ they’re going to be a _real band_. And their singer is in the kitchen, ass-naked.

Ryan had woken up to the smell of bacon and the sound of pots and pans knocking around each other. At first, he’d thought Spencer was making breakfast, but then he became aware enough to see that Spencer was still asleep beside him. Curious (and hungry), Ryan rolled out of bed and stumbled, bleary-eyed, into the kitchen where the noises and smells are coming from.

“Smells good,” he says, eyes still half-closed.

Brendon, bright and beaming and _naked_ , turns around. “Thanks, man. Coffee?”

It’s then that Ryan sees that Brendon is not wearing pants.

“ _DUDE, WHAT THE SHIT?_ ”

Spencer and Brent come tumbling into the kitchen a moment later, wide-eyed and panting. Spencer’s holding the baseball bat his mother had insisted that he buy before moving out across the country.

As soon as they take in the naked Brendon before them, Spencer’s bat clatters to the ground as he covers his eyes, and Brent starts demanding that he be given bleach to remove the image now seared to his retinas.

Brendon huffs, pushes past all of them with more physical contact than strictly necessary and a request to “Watch the pancakes.”

“Seriously,” Brent calls after the singer. “Bleach.”

Brendon comes back out in a pair of gym shorts but still shirtless. “I don’t think I look that bad naked,” he says with a pout.

Spencer rolls his eyes. “We’re two straight dudes,” he points out, gesturing to himself and Brent. “And Ryan, who’s mostly straight.” Ryan hits him. “We don’t need to wake up and be smacked in the eyes with dick.”

“Keep forgetting I don’t live alone anymore,” Brendon mumbles, so quietly that Ryan’s not sure they’re meant to hear. Louder, he says, “Sorry. I’ll keep that in mind.”

Ryan thinks that Brendon’s enough of an asshole that “keep that in mind” means that he could be standing on the coffee table later in the afternoon, grandly declaring that they all must admire his dick.

He just hopes he never has to see it again.

* * *

**2.**

The first time Jon sees Brendon’s dick, he thinks he’s dreaming.

He’s a permanent fixture of Panic! at the Disco, to the point where he even has a bunk on the band’s bus. It’s all very exciting for Jon, even though the bunk is no better than the bunk he had as a tech for The Academy Is… It’s still a pad on a shelf, still uncomfortable at best and fucking miserable at worst. But it’s what the bunk _represents_ that matters.

He’s sleeping a restless, broken sleep when he’s awoken by a strangled yell and a _thump_. Jon, being the good person that he is, opens his curtain and pokes his head out to see what’s the matter.

He sees a dick before he sees a face, because the man on the floor is positioned in such a manner that his dick is directly below Jon’s face. Jon moves his eyes up the body to find Brendon, lying on his back and breathing heavy.

Jon opens his mouth to say, “Are you okay?” but what comes out is, “You’re not wearing pants.” It’s better than, “I just saw your dick,” so Jon considers it a win.

“Brendon,” Ryan’s voice comes from the bunk directly above Jon’s. “Brendon, we’ve talked about this.”

“At length,” Spencer adds, but Spencer gets out of his bunk and kneels down beside Brendon, who’s still breathing kind of heavily. Jon feels bad that he can’t be more of a help; the singer seems pretty shaken by his nightmare.

Jon goes back to sleep when Brendon puts on a pair of sweatpants and follows Spencer into the front lounge, because he’s tired and more than a little shell-shocked. Above him, Ryan says, “Brendon doesn’t like wearing pants when he thinks he can avoid it. You get used to it.” It sounds like Ryan wishes he hadn’t gotten used to it at all.

The next morning, Brendon apologizes to Jon for sleeping naked. Jon just pats him on the shoulder.

“It’s cool, dude. Remember, I shared a bus with Beckett. Just wasn’t expecting it.”

“Is my dick prettier than Beckett’s?” Brendon asks, fluttering his eyelashes.

The weird thing is, even though Jon knows that Brendon’s joking, “It is, actually, yes. It’s the best surprise dick I’ve had the pleasure of seeing in the middle of the night.”

“Dude, what the _fuck_?” Ryan asks, finally emerging from the bunks with a look of confusion on his face.

“Jon thinks my penis is pretty,” Brendon says, without missing a beat. Ryan, to his credit, doesn’t say anything at all.

* * *

**3.**

Brendon doesn’t mean to let Gabe see his dick, he honestly doesn’t. It just sort of…happens.

It goes like this: Brendon’s sitting in the back lounge of an empty tour bus, the other guys having gone out with Zack to stock up on snacks. Brendon himself is sick, so he elected to stay behind. (It was absolutely, one-hundred-percent his choice. He was not threatened by Zack and Spencer. He is not intimidated by Zack _or_ Spencer.) Brendon’s skin is itchy-hot with fever, even as he shivers with cold. The best solution Brendon can think of is to strip himself entirely of clothes and cover up with a blanket, so that he can cover and uncover himself as needed. He’s in a too-hot phase when the door beeps, signifying that someone’s coming back.

Brendon doesn’t bother to cover himself, because everyone on this bus has seen him naked enough times that they just don’t even notice it.

It is not someone who lives on his bus standing in the doorway.

It is Gabe Saporta.

Brendon is pretty careless with his dick, he’ll admit. He doesn’t like wearing pants, okay, and he gets hot easy during summer tours anyway. Ryan and Spencer have long since stopped bitching at him about wearing “a pair of boxers, dude, at _least_ ” and Jon never really cared at all and Zack just sort of rolled his eyes the first time and said, “The nudity and the physical contact do not intersect. _Ever_.” Brendon’s sure that he could change Zack’s mind given a few years and a startling lack of other people to drape himself over (Jon’s always down for cuddles, naked or otherwise, and Ryan’s decided that it’s not worth the energy required to shove Brendon off).

However, Brendon is always careful to keep his pants on around Gabe. Gabe is inclined to appraising stares and lewd grins when Brendon’s pants _are_ on, he’s terrified to think how bad the taller man is when he sees what Brendon’s got underneath his jeans.

“Little _Urie_ ,” Gabe grins, and this is exactly why Brendon didn’t want Gabe to see his dick.

Brendon’s not sure if the chill is from the fever or from Gabe’s…Gabe-ness. He grabs his blanket regardless and wraps himself up in it.

“No, no, no,” Gabe protests, and he’s grinning a shark’s grin. Brendon pulls the blanket tighter only because he gets colder. He is not afraid of Gabe Saporta. “Don’t cover up now. I knew your ass was spectacular, but I never guessed—”

The door _beeps_ with the code unlocking it again, and Brendon’s band comes tumbling in.

“Are we interrupting something?” Spencer asks, and it sounds casual but he’s unleashing the full power of his bitch face on Gabe. Brendon’s never been more grateful for Spencer Smith’s bitch face in his _life_.

“Of course not,” Gabe assures them brazenly. He turns to Brendon with one more lewd grin. “Have you considered leather pants?”

“You’re completely naked under that blanket, aren’t you?” Ryan asks, as soon as Gabe’s gone and the door’s closed behind him.

“’S hot,” Brendon mumbles, letting the blanket fall from his shoulders. It pools at his hips. He leaves it there.

* * *

**4.**

Dallon handles seeing Brendon’s dick surprisingly well. Maybe it’s because he wasn’t expecting anything different.

When Dallon and Ian had first gotten onto the bus that would be their home for the duration of the tour, Spencer, Brendon, and Zack had explained the rules and what they could more-or-less expect. It’s all pretty standard stuff, no sex on the bus, no shitting on the bus, don’t eat Spencer’s old-man cereal. Nothing that particularly stands out to Dallon, until Spencer says, “Oh, and when Brendon’s naked, don’t mention his dick. It just encourages him.”

The use of _when_ instead of _if_ does not go over Dallon’s head.

They’ve just finished a show, and Brendon beat Spencer to first shower, so Spencer went out to do whatever it is Spencer does when he’s not in the dressing room after a show. Ian is similarly wandering the building. Dallon, on the other hand, didn’t feel like doing anything special, so he’s on the couch texting Breezy and trying to remember how far away the next hotel is.

The shower shuts off, and it’s about here that Dallon thinks he’s made his mistake. This is not the first time he’s hung out in the dressing room while someone was in the shower in the room adjacent. It’s common for the person in the shower to dry off and get dressed while they’re still in the room adjacent to the dressing room, or at the very least to check that nobody is in the dressing room before they walk out.

But because it’s Brendon, the door opens not too long after the shower cuts off, and Brendon walks out, ruffling his hair with the towel in an attempt to dry it faster. There is not towel around his waist, and his skin is shimmering with water droplets.

“Oh, hey,” Brendon says, as if Dallon is not eye-level with his dick. “Great show tonight.”

“Thanks,” Dallon says, looking up at Brendon’s face. Spencer’s words echo in Dallon’s mind. _Don’t mention his dick_ , _it encourages him._ “You too.”

Brendon grins, like he knows that it’s his dick that’s got Dallon so tongue-tied (although, really, it’s less the dick itself and more the confidence with which Brendon presents the dick).

“Shower’s open,” Brendon offers, sitting down in a nearby chair, not seeming to care that he’s still dripping wet.

Spencer gets next shower. This is an unspoken rule between the four of them, that Brendon and Spencer get the first two showers. Ian and Dallon fight over who goes third and who ends up in the cold because they’re last.

Spencer’s not here. And Dallon needs to wash his eyes.

* * *

**5.**

When Kenny sees Brendon’s dick for the first time, he thinks he may be sick.

But not because of Brendon’s dick.

Kenny managed to go spectacularly far into the tour before he found himself confronted by Brendon’s dick, simply by avoidance. Carefully looking at Brendon’s face, or his knees, places where he’d be able to assess whether or not the other man was clothed. If he wasn’t, Kenny would close his eyes until his back was to Brendon’s dick, and walk away.

“Kenny!” Brendon calls, sitting on the couch and hugging a small trashcan to his chest. “Wha’s go’n’ on?”

See, the thing is, Kenny was made well aware of what the Fall Out Boy guys were planning on doing today. He was not aware of how bad it would be.

Brendon is naked. Kenny can tell because Brendon is drunk, and a drunk Brendon is a naked Brendon. Brendon is drunk to the point where the small trashcan is so full of vomit that it appears to be in danger of spilling over. (It’s not even their trashcan, leading Kenny to believe that someone stole it from the dressing room of a venue. Kenny’s money is on Trohman.)

Kenny has two options. Option 1: close his eyes, turn around, find Zack or Dallon or someone who has been made indifferent to Brendon’s dick via overexposure, have them take care of Brendon. Option 2: take care of Brendon himself. Option 1 has the risk of Brendon throwing up again into the already too-full trashcan, and possibly just spilling the vomit everywhere anyway.

Option 2 guarantees that Kenny will have to see Brendon’s dick, and also take care of a drunk and vomiting Brendon himself.

Kenny sighs, walks closer to Brendon, and takes the trashcan from the singer. “I’m just gonna go empty this real quick, okay?” He keeps his eyes trained on Brendon’s face and notices that there is vomit in his _hair_.

“Kay,” Brendon mumbles. As soon as the trashcan is out of his arms, he collapses sideways onto the couch. Kenny still does not let his eyes wander.

Kenny takes the trashcan to the edge of the parking lot, where a line of trees begins, and dumps out the bucket of sick. It doesn’t stick to the bottom, which means that whichever person gave it to him filled the bottom with a bit of water. Kenny himself repeats the action with a nearby water hose.

When he gets back onto the bus, Brendon has changed his position. He’s still on the couch, but he’s sprawled himself out in a way that, if Kenny didn’t know better, would seem to be for the express purpose of drawing attention to his dick.

Kenny does know better; this is the exact purpose.

“And now everyone’s seen my penis!” Brendon declares grandly, as soon as Kenny closes the door behind him. He falls off the couch, tries to stand up, and goes green. Kenny shoves the trashcan at him just in time for Brendon to puke again.

“Next time, how ‘bout both of us are sober, kay?”

“There’s gonna be a next time?” Brendon asks. Kenny has no idea why the other man sounds so _hopeful_.

* * *

**+1**

Dan knew that Brendon likes to get naked, because he’s been Spencer’s drum tech for forever. He’s even seen Brendon naked before, because he’s gone to ask Spencer something important and stumbled upon Brendon’s dick instead.

They’ve all seen Brendon’s dick _many_ times. They’ve seen each other’s dicks, too, but with much more awkwardness and embarrassment and apologies than when they see Brendon’s dick.

It’s hot. It’s _impossibly_ hot. The bus is driving through one of the southern states, which wasn’t so bad yesterday, but today there’s _no air conditioning_. Brendon had asked the bus driver to stop at a Kroger and bought literally their entire stock of popsicles, the ones in the plastic casing that come in the red net bag (and what a sight they were, with their two and a half carts full of popsicles). Even still, they’re all sweating to death.

They’re all in varying states of undress and lying around the front lounge of the bus. Dan himself is the closest to the freezer, and has been throwing popsicles to anyone who asks.

Brendon is the only one who’s completely naked, lying flat on his back with a half-eaten popsicle hanging from his mouth. Nobody’s even looking at him, that’s how used to his dick they all are.

As the popsicle supply slowly depletes (and Dan starts to feel like he may be sick) the heat only seems to intensify.

“We have a show tonight,” Dallon moans, slipping onto the floor beside Brendon. “It is a little cooler down here,” he adds as an afterthought.

“Told ya,” Brendon mumbles. He seems like he’s only half-awake. “’S even cooler when you’re naked.”

Dan expects Dallon to hit him, and it looks like a pretty near thing. What Dan does not expect is for Kenny to stand up and peel off his own boxers and lay down on Brendon’s other side.

“Oh, for _fuck’s_ sake,” Zack mutters. Zack is the only one who’s managed to stay more-or-less fully dressed.

Soon after Kenny gives in to the heat, Dallon strips out of his own boxers (but he moves across the lounge so that it’s a little less weird).

Dan’s not sure when exactly he himself took off his shorts, but he does know that he’s not going to take his boxers off. Zack’s still in his shorts, and he doesn’t look like he has any plans on taking those off.

Brendon’s taken to throwing his popsicle wrappers in Zack’s general direction. They float through the air for a few seconds before drifting to the ground. Dan thinks that Brendon’s trying to get Zack to take off his shorts.

Dan gets up because he’s got to piss, and he feels like he almost passes out from heat exhaustion on the way to the tiny bathroom. It’s even hotter in the bathroom, the walls too close and the air stuffier than in the lounge. He sits down because he doesn’t think he can stand for another second.

He leaves his boxers in the bathroom, not out of concession to what appears to be Brendon’s quest for a fully naked band, but because he can’t find the strength required to pull them back up.

As soon as he emerges back into the lounge, Brendon throws his arms up into the air. “Success!” he shouts.

Kenny, who’s taken up Dan’s previous position by the freezer, pulls out a popsicle and throws it at Brendon. It hits his forehead and falls to the ground.

Dan props himself up against the couch, because he’s not about to sprawl himself out and expose his dick to everyone else.

“A band that gets naked together is better than Fall Out Boy,” Brendon says, as if that’s meant to make any kind of sense.

"Pretty sure Fall Out Boy's gotten naked together _at least_ four times," Dallon points out.

“How are you still wearing shorts?” Brendon asks, turning to the bodyguard. Zack just shrugs.

“I’m used to humidity.”

Dan refuses to admit it, but he can totally understand why Brendon takes every chance to be fully naked.

**Author's Note:**

> Five times Brendon got totally naked, and one time he got everybody else naked, too.
> 
> Just wanted to make sure nobody thought I was entirely inactive. I've got another one shot (maybe two-shot) in the works, and then some other shit also in the works, but I wanted to get this done because it's been a while since I did something stupid.


End file.
